Monday, 13 April 2009

Sunday, 12 April 2009



I very much liked the idea of my name being around somewhere for a long time. I enjoyed the permanence aspect so I started to think wherelse I could go. Naturally, I though about getting a tattoo so I visited some tattoo web forums to ask about hoof tattoos and whether anyone had one or would consider getting one. Mainly, I got abuse back from people. Realising this was a big ask I thought I'd avertise it on gumtree and offer to pay for it. And I got some more abuse.

But then I got an email from a woman named Paula who said she'd do it if she could pick the font. I thought this was a fair deal so she went off to get the quote. Amazingly it came to £50 (just in budget) so we decided to go ahead with it.

Then I lost track of Paula and I thought the whole thing was off. I sent her a barrage of emails asking if she'd changed her mind but I got nothing. Then a fortnight later she sent message, she'd been away without an internet connection. She was still up for it, in fact she had booked herself in at her local parlour the following week.

And so after a few more days of waiting an email enititled "ouch!' arrived in my inbox it contained this message....

"I have several names tattooed onto my body: Denise (my mum) Gladys (my gran) Nate (my son) Andrew (my boyfriend) Blue (a girl I got drunk with, at a tattoo shop) and Elvis Presley (on my ass) But you, Ben Harris, are the only one with hooves".

....and these photos:

Wednesday, 8 April 2009


I found these chaps in Ramallah who offer to spray paint any message you want onto the divisional wall there for 30 euros. Of course I decided to ask for them to spray "BEN HARRIS HAS HOOVES". As soon as I had sent the payment I suddenly realised this could be a massive con. I may never hear from them again or they could just send me my words back badly photo-shopped onto a any old picture of a wall they found on Google.

A few weeks went by and I heard nothing. Then I got an email saying that they were sorry for the delay but because of the fighting over there, there had been a bit of a delay. I really liked the fact that they apologised to me even thought it was them who were basically living in a war zone fearing for their lives. Anyway, a week later they sent me these beauties:

Are they photo-shopped? Maybe so but they look pretty real to me. I suppose there's only one way to find out...


I found this megaphone that stands on top of a mountain in Norway. You can call it up using a telephone and shout whatever you desire across the fjords.
However, worried about making an international phone call to Norway on my mobile, I used the work phone instead. I stayed late after work and even got in early,yet the only time I managed to get through (it is a tad tempremental) was one lunchtime when the office was pretty full. Ignoring this fact I shouted as loud as I could over the phone "BEN HARRIS HAS HOOVES" I then hung up and continued with my work like nothing had happened.

Friday, 3 April 2009


I’ve always wanted someone to immortalise me in art. But statues cost more than fifty quid, so I thought the best thing to do is get a love song written about me and pay for it.

So I started mooching around the web and found a site called They have lots of artistes and songwriters here who've written a bunch of ‘template songs’ that each contain lines for inserting personal information, like a loved one's name for their birthday. They record this in the song and upload an mp3 of it for you on a personalised web page - all for 39 quid. So, I had a listen to a few of these template songs and
picked this one called 'You Make My Life Complete' by a fella named Dennis Briones. Then I used my girlfriend Kate’s email address to pose as her for correspondence purposes, just in case they refused a fella who wants a love song written about himself. And as I began to write the first contact email, ‘Operation Ditty’ was underway…….

The reason I didn’t just want to be referred to as ‘Stephen’ is because any Stephen could claim to be the Stephen in a ‘Stephen’ song. Anyway, all was going well when me/Kate got this reply….....

So, still posing as Kate, I replied….

Brilliant! They fell for it!
On the site there's an order form for each song where they ask you for other info about the person that they can replace other lines of the song with. So, I thought I’d push my luck further and see if I could get him to sing the silliest stuff I could think of. Firstly, they wanted to know where you and your other half met, so I put ‘the zoo’. Then they wanted to know what colour the person’s eyes are, so I put ‘gravy brown’ and finally they asked for another term of endearment you use for that person – so I put ‘Beanface’ and pressed ‘send’. I was sure I’d be rumbled when I got a reply from Alan saying the song was ready, so I eagerly clicked here to my very own special weblink to hear it.

But that's not all, I've put together a unique video for it by editing together footage from the viral video available from this website.

Ok, get ready to press play on the video below.
Presenting ‘STEPHEN ALAN YORKE YOU MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE’ by Dennis Briones........

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

There must have been a day when Ming The Merciless or the Emperor off of Star Wars woke up and thought “Wouldn’t it be brilliant if I ruled a galaxy?”. Well, the same thing happened to me one day when I awoke with desires of i
ntergalactic supremacy. So I skipped my bowl of Frosties and headed straight for instead to name a galaxy after myself – for free!

Click on the link here or glance below to see my certificate and the touching dedication to myself on it.....

And just to prove it even further, if you click on the link here or glance below you'll see my interstellar receipt.

Maybe one day I could create a ‘Stephen Alan Yorke Intergalactic Tourist Board’ to encourage aliens to spend their annual summer holiday in me. I could beam an ad campaign out into space around January, as that’s when they’re most likely to be thinking of booking up.

If you click on the link here and also on the link here you can see my galaxy pinpointed on a couple of online star-charts, but it's a bit of a let-down to be honest. (See below).

There's nothing there, like most areas of space it's largely baron. It's just black, surrounded by more black in the middle of a big load of black. But, to an alien a holiday in a vast expanse of nothingness could be like going to Ibiza.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

33,658,856 + 476,637,963 x 965 - 6 = ME.
Now, in the mathematics industry, 3.6 recurring is called 'Pie'. So if a stodgy foodstuff can get a number named after itself so can I. And it is with this elevated self-opinion that I popped along to the 'Universal Number Registry' at and paid 5 dollars to call a number ‘STEPHEN ALAN YORKE’. Now, I realise that this sounds totally made up and the stuff of falsehood. But, I urge you to believe me when I say that it’s all official because the data is filed with the Library of Congress, so let's not hear another word of contention.

(drum roll)

Ok, here we go.....the value of my number, the number accredited to me is......

And here's my place on the 'number line' alongside all my fellow immortals.....

I know what you're thinking, and my guess is that all the lower, more familiar numbers (that don't require a massive intake of breath in order to say them) were all taken. I paid online using my debit card and after they took my money I didn't hear a peep out of them for nigh on three weeks. At this point I thought I'd been duped good and proper by the kind of online scams that consumer information shows are made for. And with this doubt embedded within my brain I did wonder if I’d been ‘had’ - so I sent an email of complaint…..

“Dear Sirs and Madams at the Universal Number Registry,

A while ago I placed an order to get a number named after myself and even though my transaction has been processed through PayPal I still have not been emailed my number. Please can you give me details of what my number is ASAP because I’ve told all of my friends at work that there’s going to be a number called Stephen Alan Yorke but because it’s taken ages they’re all singing “liar, liar, pants on fire” in meetings.

Many thanks,
Stephen Alan Yorke”.

And to their credit I received this reply…..

“Mr. Yorke,
We apologize for the long delay in the issuing of your number. The recent Presidential election, along with the volatility of the U.S. stock market, has caused an enormous increase in the demand for numbers, causing our supply levels to fall to a dangerously low level. However, we are pleased to inform you that we received a new shipment of excellent integers late Friday, and have selected a particularly fine one for you which will be filed with the Library of Congress. From this moment forward, anyone who has the good sense to obey the official naming conventions will refer to the value 347,340,070,402 as Stephen Alan Yorke. To help make up for the vast disappointment you must feel over our tardiness, we have also issued you a full refund.

Please enjoy your new number.

The Universal Number Registry Team”.

But they’re numbers! There’s an infinite amount of them so how do levels ever run low? Is there a global number drought we should know about? But maybe the real reason I got it for free is that they’ve run out actual numbers to charge me with, so perhaps this ‘global number drought of 2008’ ain’t all bad.

Monday, 30 March 2009


I'd like to live forever, like the lady sang about in the theme song to the 80's TC show 'Fame'. But I can’t sing. I can’t dance. I can’t even spin a plate. So I decided the only way I can make my name live forever is to get a disease named after myself. And do you know what? That's only what I went and done by going to this website and following the instructions from Dr. Unheimlic (see below).

So I entered my details and did as I was told.

Click here to see the outcome or observe the embedded pic below where you can also type in your name here and now to see what disease you are!........

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Stephen Alan Yorke's Disorder
Symptoms:narcolepsy, wheezing, leg swelling, tongue swelling
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

Wow. I feel truly honoured that my name will be used to help diagnose thousands of wheezing, swelling, narcoleptic weirdos for generations to come.