Tuesday, 31 March 2009

33,658,856 + 476,637,963 x 965 - 6 = ME.
Now, in the mathematics industry, 3.6 recurring is called 'Pie'. So if a stodgy foodstuff can get a number named after itself so can I. And it is with this elevated self-opinion that I popped along to the 'Universal Number Registry' at www.nameanumber.com and paid 5 dollars to call a number ‘STEPHEN ALAN YORKE’. Now, I realise that this sounds totally made up and the stuff of falsehood. But, I urge you to believe me when I say that it’s all official because the data is filed with the Library of Congress, so let's not hear another word of contention.

(drum roll)

Ok, here we go.....the value of my number, the number accredited to me is......

And here's my place on the 'number line' alongside all my fellow immortals.....

I know what you're thinking, and my guess is that all the lower, more familiar numbers (that don't require a massive intake of breath in order to say them) were all taken. I paid online using my debit card and after they took my money I didn't hear a peep out of them for nigh on three weeks. At this point I thought I'd been duped good and proper by the kind of online scams that consumer information shows are made for. And with this doubt embedded within my brain I did wonder if I’d been ‘had’ - so I sent an email of complaint…..

“Dear Sirs and Madams at the Universal Number Registry,

A while ago I placed an order to get a number named after myself and even though my transaction has been processed through PayPal I still have not been emailed my number. Please can you give me details of what my number is ASAP because I’ve told all of my friends at work that there’s going to be a number called Stephen Alan Yorke but because it’s taken ages they’re all singing “liar, liar, pants on fire” in meetings.

Many thanks,
Stephen Alan Yorke”.

And to their credit I received this reply…..

“Mr. Yorke,
We apologize for the long delay in the issuing of your number. The recent Presidential election, along with the volatility of the U.S. stock market, has caused an enormous increase in the demand for numbers, causing our supply levels to fall to a dangerously low level. However, we are pleased to inform you that we received a new shipment of excellent integers late Friday, and have selected a particularly fine one for you which will be filed with the Library of Congress. From this moment forward, anyone who has the good sense to obey the official naming conventions will refer to the value 347,340,070,402 as Stephen Alan Yorke. To help make up for the vast disappointment you must feel over our tardiness, we have also issued you a full refund.

Please enjoy your new number.

The Universal Number Registry Team”.

But they’re numbers! There’s an infinite amount of them so how do levels ever run low? Is there a global number drought we should know about? But maybe the real reason I got it for free is that they’ve run out actual numbers to charge me with, so perhaps this ‘global number drought of 2008’ ain’t all bad.

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